As the year turned from 2022 to 2023, I almost ruined my life. At least that’s how it seemed. I made a choice on New Year’s Eve that triggered a core wound so deep that I literally felt as if my personal, professional, and social life was over.

I shared all the details on my Eyes Wide Open: the Membership call last night, but I’ll give you a little overview here because it may be able to help you, in case you weren’t there.

If you are a member, be sure to listen to the recording because I went deep into this + how I almost lost my Company in 2022, but got back 100% control on January 3, 2023 — woohoo!

And, how I handled crypto losses + a loan that didn’t get paid back in such a way that it’s all now coming back to me plus plus.

Finally, this piece …  the core wound that got touched, and how I handled it to create more of what I want instead of a repeat of old patterns of separation and pain. 

Eyes Wide Open CORE WOUND Resolution …

I have a big wound around belonging. 

Ever since kindergarten when cute little Peggy McGee with the blue eyes and blond braids didn’t want to be my friend, and excluded me from playing with her and my best friend, Melissa, I’ve repeated a pattern of exclusion.

It’s part of why I am so inclusive in my life today. 

This pattern has repeated many times throughout my life, and the biggest pain of it occurred in high school when I did one very unattuned thing that resulted in my becoming an outcast for all of my high school years. A pariah. Called a slut while walking through the halls. All of it resulting in my not being able to go to any parties in my high school years, in a fist fight on my 16th birthday at the big football game, and a “gang” of mean girls coming to my house later to fight me again. It was super painful.

I was extremely sensitive, very confused, possibly on the spectrum of neurodivergence in some way, and none of the social dynamics made sense to me.

Now, I get it all. Phew, that was a long and hard road to travel. 

The good news is that I’ve not only recovered from these painful events, I’ve become a woman who knows how to make friends, be a friend, and as one of my close friends recently said — Ali, most people can only handle relationships with at maximum 150 or so people (Dunbar’s people), but you somehow manage to be close with thousands of people. He was exaggerating, but it’s true because of these past experiences and the way I’ve grown through them, I hold intimate relationships with a LARGE extended community.

I’m able to do so because I’ve learned to navigate my own wounding, feel what’s here, take responsibility for it, and heal it in a way that has built tremendous self trust.

So the night of New Year’s Eve was a perfect example. I accidentally crossed a boundary with someone I had only recently met, and until I got to the other side, I couldn’t see any way to recover from my transgression.

To protect me from the pain of my actions, my mind wanted to do all sorts of things with what my higher self knew was a clear fuck up on my part.

1. It wanted to reject all the people who I was afraid would reject me for my action (preemptive rejection is a strong strategy of protection — look at where you might be doing that in your own life to keep yourself safe).
   
   
2. It wanted to pretend what I did wasn’t that big a deal and the other person shouldn’t be upset.
   
   
3. It wanted to convince me that it wasn’t that big of a deal, and shrug it off as if it didn’t really matter.

But, my body, my heart, and my soul could see (eyes wide open) the truth, and wasn’t willing to accept any of that, even though in some ways perhaps it would have been easier to dismiss my responsibility for what occurred.

By dismissing my responsibility, though, I would have lost the huge benefit that accompanied the events … When we get to the core of a wound, feel it all the way through, and heal it by taking full eyes wide open responsibility- miracles occur.

Here’s what that looked like:

As I was in the catastrophic thinking that accompanies the triggering of a core wound, sure I had ruined my life, I was able to both be in the feelings and the fear, and also connect with my higher self — the part of me who knew that something important and valuable was happening — and that part was able to remind me to stick with my fear, and keep feeling it and find the gold.

The only gold I could see was that somehow this experience would result in more intimacy on the other side of what felt like exclusion and outcasting just like when I was in kindergarten and high school (and probably in many past lives as well).

And that’s exactly what occurred.

On the other side of the event that created the massive separation and wound, I asked for help from some people I was already close with (creating more intimacy and connection), and then the next day when I woke up, I reached out vulnerably to some people who were newer in my life and asked for connection and support.

Plus, I reached out to the person whose boundary I had crossed and took full responsibility for my actions. 

What showed up was exactly what I had prayed for — more intimacy, more connection, more love — the exact opposite of what happened in kindergarten and high school, when I didn’t have the tools of adulthood that I have now.

I didn’t pre-emptively reject, I didn’t pretend it wasn’t a big deal to me or the other person (and it was in fact such a big deal to him that he wrote about it on his own Facebook wall), and I got vulnerable and asked for support in showing up and cleaning it up.

As a result, I didn’t ruin my life, but instead made it exponentially better. 

And, now, thanks to all of that happening, I’m going on a trip to Egypt this Spring with the people I thought I ruined my relationship with, and that I’ve been wishing I could hang out with for a long time.

Best of all, I’m taking my own adult kids with me. 

Even better than that, it’s all led me to understand something I almost couldn’t see hidden behind my core wounds, and all the ways I’ve been operating in the world to keep me from feeling the things I was most afraid of were creating exactly what I was most afraid of … more on that one another day.

This was plenty for today. Before you go, don’t miss the features below of Practical Magic (there’s still time to plan your year using practical tools and magic) + the time management workshop I’m hosting for lawyers today + the radio show appearances you may want to check out.

To your eyes (and heart) wide open,
Ali Katz