Friday may have been one of the most profound days of pain and healing I’ve had in a long time. I was facing a loneliness and sense of loss unlike any I have felt in a very long time.
The circumstances of what created it really aren’t relevant. There are any one of many things I could make the feelings about and I could even get lost there, avoiding what was really happening in favor of the distraction of story, drama, pointing fingers, blame and victim energy or righteousness.
Not only would that not have served, but those circumstances would only become more deeply ingrained, more locked in, and today thanks to the process I’m sharing with you, the circumstances that brought my pain to the surface to be felt have almost entirely shifted into a new reality that feels just fine today.
I didn’t have to make anyone different or change anything outside myself for this to happen.
I did the work here, with myself, and it all resolved. That doesn’t necessarily mean the circumstances changed, but my experience of them did. And that is the first step to seeing them actually shift in the longer term. Until that happens, you are literally stuck in the exact thing that you want relief from.
Today, I want to share my process with you because I do believe that when we all get this one, we will be able to stop talking about a world that works for everyone, and starting living it.
Let’s start with this …
I used to spend days, weeks, months, years of my life in some kind of conflict. Trying to get other people to be different so I would feel better. Team members, boyfriends, my kids, partners, friends, you name it.
If I felt uncomfortable, they must fix it. Show up differently. Make me comfortable. Reassure me. Stop doing what they are doing or do more of what I want them to do.
Feel into your own reality now and see where that might be present in your own life, business, work or relationships. If you can identify it, notice that if you drop down below what “they” are doing, you feel a pain. Locate that pain in yourself and see what happens if you completely drop the story about the pain and just notice it.
There is pain there. Hurt. Anger. Maybe it burns. Let it.
Your mind will likely want to pull you away from the pain by focusing on what happened to cause it. In that case, allow your mind to go there for the purpose of deepening you into the pain you are feeling. As much as possible, do not take any action from this pain. Recognize that you are consciously engaging the story, not to distract, but to actually feel more of the feeling the story generates in you.
This is the gift. More on that below. First …
Do not send that text or email. Do not reach out just to [fill in the blank]. Do not go to a friend to process it, unless you are 100% certain they will support you to drop the story completely and feel more of the feelings that come as a result of the story.
The feelings are where you will find the healing. And, it will be as close to permanent as you can get in an impermanent world.
If you stick with the process I am sharing here and can find your way to the place where the stories you are currently seeing will resolve in your life, you will not keep repeating them, and you will find yourself living in a whole new reality.
It’s going to require you to face a pain you’ve likely spent your life avoiding, but I can assure you that facing it is the path to everything you want (much of which you probably don’t even know you want) and it will be over much more quickly than your mind tells you.
In fact, right now, I’d bet that the time you are spending avoiding truly feeling and facing this pain is the biggest time, energy, attention and money (TEAM) suck in your life.
When you can use the pain of your current wish for someone to be or behave differently to catalyze your own healing, you will finally find that the TEAM (both people and time, energy, attention and money) in your life uplevels significantly.
Okay, so here’s the big shift you get to make as part of this process and that I was once again reminded of yesterday.
The pain that is being brought up for you by the circumstance or the person is nothing to rail against, it’s a gift. It’s here for you.
The person or thing creating the pain is your ally, at the deepest/core level. They likely don’t have any idea of it, so it’s not necessary for them to even know about it at this point.
For now, your job is to feel the pain, anger, hurt, humiliation, betrayal, whatever. Feel it all the way through. Cry. Rail. Protest. Punch a pillow. Scream at the top of your lungs in a safe space.
It really helps to have someone hold space for you for this. I’ve found it nearly impossible to do on my own.
On Friday, my dear friend Colby Collins held beautiful space for me by phone. As I went about my day doing small acts of self care that I had put off for too long (such as going to the DMV to register a car that was given to me for my daughter to drive and a car my company bought at year end to become part of the consciousness raising caravan we are creating, getting my passport renewed for my trip to Costa Rica to speak at Envision Festival at end of February, and going to the bank to open a new business account), I felt and cried and periodically checked in with Colby.
Now, some people would say you need to do all your feeling in a certain way, in quiet, stillness and alone. I did some of that too.
But when I felt into what the part of me who was feeling really needed, it was self care in the form of taking care of the stuff that had been put off for too long already and continuing to feel it all along the way.
I took my passport photo right after the last good cry of the day that opened up a new sense of freedom, resourcefulness, spaciousness and calm within me and feel grateful to always have this memory of that moment on my passport.
Being held in the arms of sisters and brothers, also really good. 
The pain was a gift. Feeling it was a huge step towards healing it. While there may be more to do (perhaps there always will be), I am not stuck in the drama and story of what I thought was causing it. I addressed it at the root level.
Today, I feel free, light, resourced, rested, and held. I trust more deeply than I did before. I can let go of what doesn’t serve and say a more powerful yes to what does. I am clear.
You can do this too. I really hope you will.
Recognize that the uncomfortable feelings are a gift. If you don’t believe me, read this article on the 16 Uncomfortable Feelings That Indicate You Are On the Right Path.
Start looking within to change your feelings, not without.
Feel them fully and it will all transform. It may actually be that there is some action for you to take to shift the circumstances, and that will naturally arise from a place of truth and knowing after you’ve done the internal work to be with the pain arising.
If you need someone to hold you through the process, consider my friend Colby. He’s truly a master. You can find him through his website at http://www.mysoulscompass.com.
And, if you desire a support team to guide you to eyes wide open use of your time, energy, attention and money (TEAM) resources, join us in the annual Eyes Wide Open membership and receive the full Money Map program as a bonus (only 10 spots left).
With so much love on your journey to face that which is most desiring your attention,
Ali
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